Parental preference and how to navigate when our kids choose favorites

A few years ago, when my daughter was around 18 months old, I had to go through the traumatic experience of a second trimester abortion. The surgical procedure left me on bed rest a few days, grieving for weeks, and with a bonus of contracting a COVID infection from my brief hospital stay. Between surgery, isolation and my grief, needless to say, I just couldn't be a present parent during that time. 

And then, to add to the chaos, my daughter rejected me. Hard. 

She wanted Dad. Dad to get her up in the morning and make breakfast. Dad to brush her teeth. Dad to get her dressed. Dad to do her bath time and tuck her in at night. It was exhausting for both of us. 

Of course a 1 year old does not understand the world in any complex way, so when we have a big life change, whether going through grief, an injury or simply an increase in work hours, young children will often push away from their once favorite caregiver and favor someone else. 

At the time it was excruciatingly painful for me as a parent, although developmentally normal and healthy. These parental preferences are simply a way for kids who have very little control over their lives to exert some autonomy and reflect a very secure attachment to the non-favorite parent. Kids don't reject parents they don't feel safe with.  

Luckily I recovered, as did my little one. To this day she and her Dad have a special bond, she and I have our own special bond, and I feel so lucky she has many safe and trusted caregivers in her life, including aunts, grandparents, babysitters, teachers and my husband and I. 

If you're going through something like this, know it's a sign of good parenting, it's normal to have mixed feelings about it, and it's not forever. Here's a few things that may help get you through parental preferences and rejection. 

Keep a poker face. Try not to have a big reaction, even if you feel frustrated. It's important to model calm behavior to our kids and continue to support them through rejection. 

Set firm boundaries. Every parent needs a break, and it's not fair on the preferred parent to do everything all the time. While it's ok to bend the rules from time to time, sticking to routines can be really helpful for everyone involved. You can try and say something like "you really love Daddy but he's not available right now. Let's do your bath time and then Daddy can read you your bedtime story." 

Set aside one on one time. Doing something special just the two of you can help reinforce those bonds and create special new memories together. Even a half hour standing "date" every week can reinforce bonds and take steps towards connection and bonding. 

Thoughts? Have you been through this? What helped your family to get through parental preference? 

We Taught Our Four Year Old How to Read. Here's How.

As a writer and lifelong bookworm, raising another book lover was high on our priorities from well before birth. I mean, we read to E basically from pregnancy onward! I wrote about some of our intentional pre-reading habits here, if you're interested- find that here. 

But this is a post about reading. It took us a long time to get here, but as of February of this year, our four year old is reading basic books and on a clear, steady path to becoming the latest family bookworm. How we got here was not a smooth ride- we tried lots of strategies, books, lessons, and games with varying degrees of success. Here's the step by step of how we got started on the journey, the twists and turns and when and how things finally clicked! Plus a lot of our favorite resources at the bottom.

Phase 1: exposure. This is well documented in my last post so I will keep this short. Basically from when she was still in my belly, P and I read to E. Then when she arrived, we read some more. As she grew, we KEPT READING. We are read at least a few minutes here and there every day and are on a first name basis with our local librarians. There's good evidence to show language exposure through reading is an important part of raising readers.* 

Phase 2: lessons at 3 (tried and failed) when E was just under 3, she started school. Not long after she started, E started coming home telling us letter sounds, so from pretty early on she was exposed to phonics. After her first semester as we approached spring break, I was trying to figure out a schedule for her days off. One of the things I was considering doing with her was phonics during M's morning naps. We discovered the Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons, and armed with that, some advice with my early childhood educator mom, and some Bob books, we jumped right in. 

The first 10 lessons, which are pre-reading skills, went great. But things quickly went downhill. E was not engaged and very resistant to lessons. I wanted things to be child-led, and it was clear where E was leading things. She was not enjoying it and did not want to do the lessons. So, as stubborn as I can be, the humbling experience of parenting prevailed and we took a break from reading lessons. It was hard for me to do, but clearly the right move for E. 

Phase 3: backing off. From March of last year up until December, we did zero formal reading lessons. None. I did try once or twice again over the summer to approach the idea again, associating lessons with rewards and trying the first Bob book, but she made it clear she wasn't interested. 

So instead, we focused on other activities that she enjoyed. We read together as always, participated in the library summer reading challenge, and played letter sound games (what can you think of that starts with the eh sound? How about B?). We sang the apple apple A-A-A song. On trips where she had her iPad we played phonics games. We looked for letters we recognized out and about on signs and billboards. I only asked if she wanted to try reading lessons again a handful of times, and she made it clear that she wasn't ready. I figured we could try again over spring break if I felt she was ready. 

Phase 4: When E returned to school from winter break, she was sent home with the first Bob book, a list of sight words, and a reading log. From here we let her decide if she wanted to do the log (after all, she is not even technically in preschool at this point), and most of the time, with a fair bit of help and encouragement, she was able to sound out 3 letter words. 

That was about a month ago, and now she is well on her way in her reading journey. While she doesn't read independently (and we don't push it) she can easily sound out basically structured words and a few sound words. It has been fun seeing how quickly she is learning now that she's really ready, and we're very excited to see where the spring takes us! 

Before I wrap up, here are our favorite resources and strategies that we used to expose her to phonics and help her along on her reading journey, with links included.

Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons. I will start by saying this was my *least* used resource on the list. It really did not work well for our kid. However, I know several parents that have vouched for this method, enough that I am keeping it at least a few more years to use with M. The approach is certainly simple and evidence based. 

Bob books. I think this is a pretty well known one, but worth mentioning. E enjoys them and loves that she can put them in her purse to read at church or on long car rides (she is an accessories girly all the way) 

Teach Your Monster to Read. We had a few trips last spring and while E didn't quite get the hang of this game at first, she did like it and play it with our help. I plan to use this game for her on our next road trip and imagine she'll enjoy it even more now. 

Chapter books. This one surprised me, but I'm convinced that the language exposure made a difference for E. She got a bunch of Angelina Ballerina and Catwings early chapter books for her birthday, whizzed through them over winter break, and started reading phonetically not long after. The combination of words and pictures in a new format really excited her, and it made her feel like a big girl to read such long books. 

Other games and songs. Simple games like "let's take turns thinking of things that start with the letter B", I spy letters on signs,  or the apple apple A-A-A song by Barbara Milne, were a regular occurrence in our house leading up to E's breakthrough. They may seem like small activities but I do think repeatedly using these strategies over a year made a big difference!

That's our story. What strategies are you using to read with your kids? 

A final note - if your kid is not showing signs or interest in learning to read. Please do not sweat it! Most children start reading around 6 or 7 years of age, and there is really no rush to push them to start reading sooner. I was totally ready to wait another year or two, if our school teachers didn't feel my daughter was ready. 

Positive Sibling Relationships and building strong family bonds

 

As our children have grown, it's been fun watching their relationship develop. As M becomes more interactive, both kids have found creative (and adorable) new ways to engage and play with each other. 

BUT. 

The adorable interactions have also come with increasing annoying each other, invading personal space and conflict. Our eldest child doesn't always want to share her toys, and our youngest has a lot of annoying but developmentally normal habits. I'm very close with my siblings and my husband and I both pictured a close-knit family where our kids had similarly tight bonds, but we are also realists. While I'd love for our kids to be close as they grow up, our main goal as parents is to try and maintain the peace in our household and parent fairly. Luckily, much of the success behind close sibling relationships boils down to just that- equitable parenting. Here's a few things we're doing to try and maintain peace and positive sibling relationships in our home.

Prioritize family time. So much of our kids' behavior stems from wanting our time and attention. With two working parents (one full time and one part time), time that all four of us are together is pretty limited. We have to be very intentional with our schedules to ensure we have regular quality time together. For us, the most convenient way to do this every day is a family meal. We do dinners together- everyone eats the same thing at the same time, and we talk about our days. We share favorite, hardest and funniest parts of what happened during the school or workday, share what we've been working on or struggling with, or sometimes just eat quietly together. We also try and incorporate family walks and bike rides, and the occasional longer or more adventurous outing during the weekend. Older families might choose to do game nights instead, or have a dedicated night every week to do something as a family if daily family meals aren't an option. The key to whatever you're doing is that you're doing it together.

Catch them in kindness. This may sound silly but it's actually been shown to be much more effective than other forms or discipline or behavior modification. Catching a child doing a wanted behavior can be a powerful tool. I try to keep it simple- "you shared that toy so nicely with your brother!" plus a hug, high five, or a shoulder squeeze. We also love "positive gossiping" as a strategy- in the car or on walks together, my partner or I will loudly share, "E was helping the babysitter find M's pacifier this morning- it was so nice of her!" Both of these approaches can be a very effective way to reinforce wanted behavior (in this case, kindness.) 

Avoid choosing sides. This can be tricky if you have a big age gap or very young kids, but we try very hard not to favor one child, even from an early age. Our kids are quite young, so at this age it mostly involves lots of listening to big sister, encouraging her to communicate her feelings directly to her brother with words, and helping her brainstorm ideas for solutions when she is frustrated. Apart from listening we try really hard not to be the judge and jury of their conflicts, and although we do have to sometimes help come up with solutions, I am impressed more often than not with my daughter's ability to figure out how to negotiate conflicts. 

Zero tolerance for bullying.  I know this sounds contradictory, and the reality is with a younger sibling this is a very fine line to tow! Our kids are 2.5 years apart, and while M is getting bigger, stronger and more verbal every day, he can't always stick up for himself when a toy or object gets snatched away. We can't moderate the kids every moment, but if we see something go down that upsets him (and occasionally big sister when she is the victim), we loudly call it out and correct the action. This might be a "hey, no bullying!" or if one of them has left the other one crying, giving lots of love and attention to whoever was getting picked on. As E has gotten older this has definitely gotten easier, but of course they're both human and from time to time we do need to intervene. 

Protected one on one time. This might be one of the most impactful things we can do to reduce sibling rivalry. It may sometimes feel like no amount of time is ever enough for our kids, but even a few minutes of setting the phone aside and getting on your child's level for some dedicated attention can make a huge difference. This tells your child they are a valued and important person to you, and that they matter. When M was tiny, E and I would spend an hour during M's naptime on the couch reading together. Now that he's older (and we get plenty of time together while E is at school,) I've been trying a new routine where E and I run errands or do something special together for at least an hour a week. Scheduling 'date nights' where kids can get one on one time with each of us individually has been really beneficial for both her and us- we love getting to know her and spend time with her without interruptions or distractions and she loves having our undivided attention. 

We're pretty early on in our parenting journey, so we're far from the home stretch, but hopefully these strategies will put down a foundation for our family to stay close for years to come. 

What do you think? Anything I missed? See below for a few great articles and resources on parenting siblings and making sure each child is valued.

The Science Behind Positive Attention

The benefits of one on one time with children

The definitive text on parenting siblings

A great, free and easy course on parenting from a Yale professor in child psychology.

How we're getting our kids into hiking (in the flattest state ever.)

Peter and I have always loved spending time together outside (it's a big part of why I ranked my residency so highly- it was a ten minute drive to some amazing state parks!) so we knew we wanted to raise kids who love spending time outside too. Since E has gotten older, I'm starting to realize what a challenge it can be to bring little kids along hiking, and I've heard from lots of parents of young kids that this is a common problem. While I don't doubt she can do it, the mix of boredom and whining can be really grating and suck the fun out of even a short hike. And to an extent, I get it. Who wants to hike when you've got playgrounds and splash pads?

Fast forward a few years and our kids are now 4 and 1.5, and we're looking ahead at a few trips this summer that will involve some great hiking destinations. We really don't want to skip these parts of our trip, so I'm starting to work on getting both kids more into hiking now so we can squeeze at least a few trails in this summer. Some of these are methods we've tried and some are suggestions from other parents a little ahead of us, so I'll definitely post an update once we've wrapped up our trips about how things went.

Start small and short. When I trained for half marathons, this was key to being able to accomplish my goal- starting my training with super short distances and slowly building up. For us this means neighborhood walks and boardwalks that are under a mile. My kiddo can easily ride her scooter to and from the nearest playground, but we're currently working on getting her to the library and back, which is double the distance. Once a week on my full day at home with the kids, we make the mile-ish walk to the toddler story time, or hit a local nature trail or boardwalk. I'm hoping this will make for an easier time doing mile-long hikes in the summer. 

Make it a game. E actually has a little background in hiking- from the age of 18 months to 2 years, she was part of a free forest school and went on lots of hikes with the older kids in her cohort. The big kids loved playing different games as they walked, from scavenger hunts to I spy (and of course, lots of imaginary play.) We like to play a lot of sensory games too- talking about what we can see, hear and smell (this exercise is also a great way to introduce mindfulness.)

Food can be an excellent motivator. E is definitely a snackaholic, and she usually gets a lot farther if I bring a few different kinds of snacks for her and her brother. I try to keep some loose rule in place so we're not stopping every 5 feet- on the walks where we live there are plenty of benches so we have to get at least to the next bench or so before we take a break. And for longer trips I'm not afraid to pack along some sweets like kisses or M&M candies for her to have once we’ve reached a certain distance. 

Be prepared to carry. Even our big kid gets tired, and while I know she's capable of walking a fair distance, it's still not uncommon for her to want to be carried sometimes. Luckily she's still just within the appropriate weight for our soft carrier, but this summer we plan to upgrade to a toddler size carrier that we can either wear on the waist or easily fold into our backpack. It can be a fine line to know when to push them to keep going, so having a backup way of getting back seems like a good idea.

Choose an exciting destination. I've heard this from parents of older kids but I've also seen it with E- when there is something cool at the end of the hike she's definitely more willing to keep going! Things like waterfalls, arches and even a little creek bed to splash in can be a big motivator for kids to keep on moving. And it doesn't have to be the destination itself- interesting bridges, rocks to scramble up and narrow passages to squeeze through can also get kids back in the mood for adventure.

If you take your kids hiking, what has worked for you? I'd love to hear your experiences! And will definitely post an update of some kind when we get back. 

 

Look for the Helpers.

Well I’ve been home a week today, and besides sleeping very well at night, I’m feeling sort of useless. As of right now I’m not needed back until next week, and until our new data collection system is up and running, there won’t be much I can do remotely to help my colleagues overseas. While I’m insanely thankful to be home, with my husband, who still has his job and brings me oat milk lattes every morning (the real MVP,) as someone with an medical degree I’m feeling pretty restless right now, wanting to help out but not sure where to go from here.

So I decided to come up with a short list of ways to help from home during this pandemic. I’m sure this list isn’t exhaustive, and it certainly isn’t much of a contribution compared to those on the frontlines of this crisis (not just nurses and doctors, but those keeping the grocery stores stocked, delivering much-needed supplies, running tests, organizing response logistics…the list goes on…) I’m pretty sure its better than binge-watching the rest of Mad Men on Netflix.

Stay home. This cannot be emphasized enough. And I think most people get it. We’re starting to sound like broken records at this point. But to the Evangeline Lilys of the world, who think this is some thinly veiled mechanism to slowly redact our freedoms…just stop. If you care more about your freedom than the life of your immuno-compromised friend, your elderly parent, the physicians, nurses and other health workers who risk their lives for us every day…. Then I don’t think there’s anything anyone can say to make you listen. But if those people matter even one iota to you, please stay home.

 Donate your masks and protective equipment. Hospitals in New York, Boston, and pretty much anywhere with a lot of Covid-19 cases are running critically low on masks and other personal protective equipment. Currently at my job we are being rationed one mask per shift, and other hospitals only have enough for one mask per week per health worker. Please help us help you, and donate any unused masks or protective equipment you may have to the nearest hospital.

Donate to support others in need. Global crises always have a way of disproportionately harming society’s most vulnerable groups. School closures and job disruptions have left even more people than usual going hungry both in the United States and Globally. Food banks can help safely deliver needed supplies to those who are most in need (check out feedingamerica.org to see how you can help,) and WHO provides much-needed supplies and support to Covid-19 responses in low-income countries. Check out the Covid-19 Solidarity Response Fund for more details.

Shop small. It’s probably no surprise to anyone that small businesses are suffering. If your budget allows, ordering a gift card, or having food delivered from your favorite local restaurant, can help keep places going while their business has otherwise screeched to a halt. Don’t forget to tip well; those in the service industry have just lost the majority of their income (maybe a sign that the tipping culture in the U.S. is an epic fail, and we need to pay everyone a fair wage? What a novel idea…) If you know any artists, makers or musicians, consider ordering from their online shop if they have one, or venmoing a few bucks in exchange for a virtual serenade (I did this with @Castroviolin who plays beautifully in both famous halls and the NYC subway and it was lovely.)

Show your kind side. It sounds dumb but I really do believe our attitudes and behavior can impact others in small and meaningful ways. Thank the grocery store workers who are showing up to make sure you can buy food and toilet paper for the week. Facetime with a friend you haven’t seen in a while, and check up on family members who may live alone and feel especially isolated and vulnerable right now. If you’re able, Venmo a few dollars to friends or family in the healthcare workforce to get themselves a coffee or a snack during this stressful time. And make sure you’re being kind to yourself- eat well, drink plenty of water, exercise indoors if you can, and allow yourself the space to process this crazy new world we live in however helps you best. Just be sure to reach out to loved ones or a trusted mental health provider if you feel like its getting to be too much.

Thoughts? Any other ideas about how to help during these strange times? Let me know!

Stay safe and healthy,

Home Again

Gosh it is so nice to be home. Especially when home = sunny Florida :) I used to make endless fun of the snowbirds as a year-round resident, but after enduring a few winters up North I kind of get it now, haha. We've been spending our days

• short and long runs through the neighborhood
• seeing the Byrds live in concert (a rare classic rock band that actually still sound amazing.)
• kayaking at Riverbend State Park  (highly recommend. It was so. beautiful. Scary baby alligators and all!)
• enjoying a bonfire in our freezing (read: very reasonable 53 degree) weather
• exploring Fairchild Botanical Gardens, visiting their gorgeous rainforest butterfly garden and seeing our fifth Chihuly piece...we keep stumbling on his works in the most random corners of the states and I'm really not mad about. This one's another definite must-see if you're in the area
• trying face masks, making terrible cocktails (like...truly awful, LOL) and watching too much House Hunters International

I have to say I really do love spending time with my family, especially down where it's warm. Hope you all have a wonderful Christmas. What are your plans for the holiday?

Lessons in Life and Photography

My brother and sister both graduated Summa Cum Laude last weekend. Because we're all getting older (breaking news, I know!), we seem to get the whole family together less and less these days. That meant that this weekend, in spite of the chaos and long, drawn-out ceremony, had extra weight to it. Not only did it seem an auspicious moment (the two youngest members of our clan graduated from college, after all,) but every minute we spent together seemed important, somehow. Not sure if that makes sense, but there it is. These times that we're together, all seven of us, are going to become more and more rare with each passing year. We've got to make the most out of them, right?

So, we lingered. We spent extra time at brunch sitting and laughing at our cousin's dog being paranoid (she was doped up after a veterinary procedure.) Took the long way home and stopped at a country store to poke around and play with the old juke box. We sprang for the finer wine at the restaurant. We lingered on the campus green, soaking in the golden hour and our precious last moments surrounded by our university's red-brick and Spanish moss-clad lawns and gardens.

Our family to a T

Turns out, lingering is good for you. It's liberating, not having to worry about rushing on to the next event, and to soak up those last rays of sunshine. It makes for good living, and apparently more fun and goofiness in your photo subjects. I think I'll try this lingering thing more often (:

Well, it's Friday...

And guys, it has been a really, really, really good week. Let's take a moment to reflect on the different things that have made this week awesome, shall we? In the spirit of Cider With Rosie...

10 Things that have made me happy this week:

1.  Got to see the husband man- twice! in one week! 
2. I actually dressed appropriately for cold weather, for the first time in my adult life. That whole layering thing? It really works. Vermont, I see you.
3. The presentation I had today went really, really well. It was in front of two doctors I admire a lot, and while two may not seem so scary, it was for me (total chicken when it comes to public speaking. for reals.) 
4. The visa interview also went really, really well. Although the immigration officer didn't smile once, my brilliant husband did all those forms without the help of a lawyer- and didn't make one single mistake. Can I get an oh yea?
5. IT'S THE WEEKEND and I only have one "real" rotation left in medical school. That means only one exam left in my entire student career. I'm 25. let's let that sink in...
6. One of my patients Monday caught me admiring his up close concert photo of Stevie Nicks and asked me if I knew who it was (and of course I said, of course I do. and also, we should be friends.)
7. I'm currently cooking this delicious kale soup while drinking chardonnay listening to this playlist with my dad. Basically, my happy place 
8. Speaking of great music, how does everyone feel about Taylor Swift's new album? I say props to her for making the first platinum record of the year. Not the direction I would have liked her to go in, but it's creative, witty, and so damn catchy. 
9. Also, how do we feel about how she pulled her music from Spotify? After reading Spotify's response I see their point, but I'm not sure if that's a compelling enough argument. Creators deserve to be compensated fairly for their work. Thoughts?
10. And, saving the best for last....Peter is officially a permanent resident of the United States.

Yep. We got approved. And we found out in 24 hours. And it was so much easier than we thought it would be. 

This is huge. It means he can job hunt when the time comes for me to make my rank list in January. It means the chances of him finding work in the area that I am assigned to for residency is much, much higher. 

I'm so excited just to live with him. To have a morning routine together, share garden duty, cook meals together, steal his slippers- it really is these banal little things that I am most looking forward to. 

Because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

Hope everyone else has good things coming their way too! 

with love,

Georgia

F-L-O-R-I-D-A, S-T-A-T-E

I just wanted to share a few family photos from the game last weekend, if you guys don't mind. It really was a weekend for the books. You see, when you've got 6 people in the family {now closing in on 7 thanks to Peter,} the chances of everyone being in a good mood at the exact same time is pretty rare. This was one of those rare, special times that not one of us was grumpy, distracted or simply not there- we were all just happy to relax and enjoy eachother's company together. It was so refreshing- definitely good for the soul!

My younger brother and I. He's a football genius- without him, the clueless folk such as myself would have had no clue what was going on in the stadium

My sister and her roommates. I'm so glad she found such a kind, driven, supportive group of women to surround herself with. They really are all exceptional people.

Truth be told, the tailgate wasn't much to look at. We don't have loads of Seminole Paraphernalia, it was really overcast, and we avoided the more exciting hardcore tailgates that go down on campus. But our little get together worked fine for me! Plus, my Dad makes a wicked good steak ;-)

And now for Doak!

It really is the prettiest sports complex I've seen. We actually called in the 'Church of Bobby' back in undergrad, and while we weren't winning games at Doak, we had at least one the title of Largest Non-Religious Stain Glass Window in North America. So there's that.  Being someone who hates/knows nothing about sports, these things are important to me.

Peter took this one. It's a great shot of my Dad. 

 Another venue FSU has always excelled in is the marching band. the FSU Marching Chiefs have consistently been one of the best bands in the country. And they really do put on an amazing show- they actually did a Back to the Future theme that night and formed a Delorean, with Fire extinguishers blowing out of the fake exhaust and everything {yea, they go all out.}

 Can you guess who cares the most about football in this family?

 My older brother went to our rival school, but we still love him :)

Another shot exemplifying just how much shorter than Peter I really am.