Parental preference and how to navigate when our kids choose favorites

A few years ago, when my daughter was around 18 months old, I had to go through the traumatic experience of a second trimester abortion. The surgical procedure left me on bed rest a few days, grieving for weeks, and with a bonus of contracting a COVID infection from my brief hospital stay. Between surgery, isolation and my grief, needless to say, I just couldn't be a present parent during that time. 

And then, to add to the chaos, my daughter rejected me. Hard. 

She wanted Dad. Dad to get her up in the morning and make breakfast. Dad to brush her teeth. Dad to get her dressed. Dad to do her bath time and tuck her in at night. It was exhausting for both of us. 

Of course a 1 year old does not understand the world in any complex way, so when we have a big life change, whether going through grief, an injury or simply an increase in work hours, young children will often push away from their once favorite caregiver and favor someone else. 

At the time it was excruciatingly painful for me as a parent, although developmentally normal and healthy. These parental preferences are simply a way for kids who have very little control over their lives to exert some autonomy and reflect a very secure attachment to the non-favorite parent. Kids don't reject parents they don't feel safe with.  

Luckily I recovered, as did my little one. To this day she and her Dad have a special bond, she and I have our own special bond, and I feel so lucky she has many safe and trusted caregivers in her life, including aunts, grandparents, babysitters, teachers and my husband and I. 

If you're going through something like this, know it's a sign of good parenting, it's normal to have mixed feelings about it, and it's not forever. Here's a few things that may help get you through parental preferences and rejection. 

Keep a poker face. Try not to have a big reaction, even if you feel frustrated. It's important to model calm behavior to our kids and continue to support them through rejection. 

Set firm boundaries. Every parent needs a break, and it's not fair on the preferred parent to do everything all the time. While it's ok to bend the rules from time to time, sticking to routines can be really helpful for everyone involved. You can try and say something like "you really love Daddy but he's not available right now. Let's do your bath time and then Daddy can read you your bedtime story." 

Set aside one on one time. Doing something special just the two of you can help reinforce those bonds and create special new memories together. Even a half hour standing "date" every week can reinforce bonds and take steps towards connection and bonding. 

Thoughts? Have you been through this? What helped your family to get through parental preference? 

Detoxing from Amazon and Target (and the stores we're using to replace them)

If you're like us with busy jobs and little ones at home, letting go of Amazon Prime and Target probably feels like a huge blow! We had backed off quite a bit from Amazon in recent years but still relied pretty heavily on Target to fill in gaps when we couldn't find items at secondhand stores or small local businesses, and occasionally used Amazon prime in a pinch around the holidays. The recent attacks on diversity and inclusion policies at private companies was the push we needed personally to take our business elsewhere. I figured if it doesn't work, we can always pivot back to shopping at these places if we really need to. The good news? It seems like a lot of these bans and boycotts are working, at least if you take articles like this as a sign of success. 

At first, I was pretty overwhelmed- we get all kinds of things from Target, Amazon and some of the other big offenders listed. Over the last few days I've compiled a list of alternative options that are better choices for most of the things we usually get at the above stores. Over time and with practice, we've felt the impact of cutting out these big companies less and less. 

Buy Nothing and Local groups. We have routinely used our Buy Nothing Groups to both give and receive needed items, and this is often the first place we look if we're in need of something. Many local mutual aid groups also give or donate items to families in need. Have a look at what organizations are active in your area. 

Ebay, Goodwill, and other secondhand stores and sites. When it comes to clothes, this is generally the first place I look for myself and the kids. Kids grow so fast, and often you can find close to new options from great quality brands. Learning the Ebay search engine and knowing your size ranges and specific needs can really help narrow your search and prevent unnecessary spending. 

Small and local businesses. This has been a life saver for home improvement and gardening supplies. We have a local hardware store and plant nursery that has probably replaced 90% of our previous Home Depot shopping list. We are also longtime users of our local container free store. 

Costco. We have only had our Costco membership for a year, but it's been a great option for school snacks, certain fruits and veg, milk, and certain dried goods. I imagine we'll get even more use out of their dried goods, clothes and electronics sections moving forward. 

Wayfair and the Container Free Store. We really did not patronize these stores much at all, even when moving into our home, but moving forward when we can't find what we want or need for the house secondhand, these will be two of the first places we look. They both have continued their DEI initiatives and have a history of donating to blue campaigns.

Nordstrom. Some clothes such as basics and swimwear obviously need to be purchased new. Nordstrom has historically supported democratic causes and continues their diversity and inclusion initiatives. When we've tried secondhand stores and struck out, this is usually where we shop. Patagonia is another great alternative. 

Bookshop.org. I love supporting Bookshop.org as they allow you to choose a local indie Bookstore (Our favorite down here is Rohi's Readery!) to "patronize" online. We love getting books as gifts for friends and classmates, and Bookshop.org has been a great way to do that and avoid supporting Amazon. 

Lastly, I wanted to plug Goods Unite Us- an app that helps you understand where different companies sit on various issues. If you have questions about where your dollar is going when you spend at different stores, Goods Unite Us is a great way to be an informed consumer. 

A final thought: If the idea of boycotts and blackouts is overwhelming or out of reach right now, that's okay. Some families may find it's financially not possible to avoid certain stores, or may only have a single option in their area. I am not a big fan of gatekeeping. People should show up however they're able, and we should all meet each other where we're at. Division only serves the other side.

Thoughts? Are you participating in the next boycott? Where have you moved your shopping to? I'd love add more conscious companies to our list. 

We Taught Our Four Year Old How to Read. Here's How.

As a writer and lifelong bookworm, raising another book lover was high on our priorities from well before birth. I mean, we read to E basically from pregnancy onward! I wrote about some of our intentional pre-reading habits here, if you're interested- find that here. 

But this is a post about reading. It took us a long time to get here, but as of February of this year, our four year old is reading basic books and on a clear, steady path to becoming the latest family bookworm. How we got here was not a smooth ride- we tried lots of strategies, books, lessons, and games with varying degrees of success. Here's the step by step of how we got started on the journey, the twists and turns and when and how things finally clicked! Plus a lot of our favorite resources at the bottom.

Phase 1: exposure. This is well documented in my last post so I will keep this short. Basically from when she was still in my belly, P and I read to E. Then when she arrived, we read some more. As she grew, we KEPT READING. We are read at least a few minutes here and there every day and are on a first name basis with our local librarians. There's good evidence to show language exposure through reading is an important part of raising readers.* 

Phase 2: lessons at 3 (tried and failed) when E was just under 3, she started school. Not long after she started, E started coming home telling us letter sounds, so from pretty early on she was exposed to phonics. After her first semester as we approached spring break, I was trying to figure out a schedule for her days off. One of the things I was considering doing with her was phonics during M's morning naps. We discovered the Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons, and armed with that, some advice with my early childhood educator mom, and some Bob books, we jumped right in. 

The first 10 lessons, which are pre-reading skills, went great. But things quickly went downhill. E was not engaged and very resistant to lessons. I wanted things to be child-led, and it was clear where E was leading things. She was not enjoying it and did not want to do the lessons. So, as stubborn as I can be, the humbling experience of parenting prevailed and we took a break from reading lessons. It was hard for me to do, but clearly the right move for E. 

Phase 3: backing off. From March of last year up until December, we did zero formal reading lessons. None. I did try once or twice again over the summer to approach the idea again, associating lessons with rewards and trying the first Bob book, but she made it clear she wasn't interested. 

So instead, we focused on other activities that she enjoyed. We read together as always, participated in the library summer reading challenge, and played letter sound games (what can you think of that starts with the eh sound? How about B?). We sang the apple apple A-A-A song. On trips where she had her iPad we played phonics games. We looked for letters we recognized out and about on signs and billboards. I only asked if she wanted to try reading lessons again a handful of times, and she made it clear that she wasn't ready. I figured we could try again over spring break if I felt she was ready. 

Phase 4: When E returned to school from winter break, she was sent home with the first Bob book, a list of sight words, and a reading log. From here we let her decide if she wanted to do the log (after all, she is not even technically in preschool at this point), and most of the time, with a fair bit of help and encouragement, she was able to sound out 3 letter words. 

That was about a month ago, and now she is well on her way in her reading journey. While she doesn't read independently (and we don't push it) she can easily sound out basically structured words and a few sound words. It has been fun seeing how quickly she is learning now that she's really ready, and we're very excited to see where the spring takes us! 

Before I wrap up, here are our favorite resources and strategies that we used to expose her to phonics and help her along on her reading journey, with links included.

Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons. I will start by saying this was my *least* used resource on the list. It really did not work well for our kid. However, I know several parents that have vouched for this method, enough that I am keeping it at least a few more years to use with M. The approach is certainly simple and evidence based. 

Bob books. I think this is a pretty well known one, but worth mentioning. E enjoys them and loves that she can put them in her purse to read at church or on long car rides (she is an accessories girly all the way) 

Teach Your Monster to Read. We had a few trips last spring and while E didn't quite get the hang of this game at first, she did like it and play it with our help. I plan to use this game for her on our next road trip and imagine she'll enjoy it even more now. 

Chapter books. This one surprised me, but I'm convinced that the language exposure made a difference for E. She got a bunch of Angelina Ballerina and Catwings early chapter books for her birthday, whizzed through them over winter break, and started reading phonetically not long after. The combination of words and pictures in a new format really excited her, and it made her feel like a big girl to read such long books. 

Other games and songs. Simple games like "let's take turns thinking of things that start with the letter B", I spy letters on signs,  or the apple apple A-A-A song by Barbara Milne, were a regular occurrence in our house leading up to E's breakthrough. They may seem like small activities but I do think repeatedly using these strategies over a year made a big difference!

That's our story. What strategies are you using to read with your kids? 

A final note - if your kid is not showing signs or interest in learning to read. Please do not sweat it! Most children start reading around 6 or 7 years of age, and there is really no rush to push them to start reading sooner. I was totally ready to wait another year or two, if our school teachers didn't feel my daughter was ready.