Parental preference and how to navigate when our kids choose favorites

A few years ago, when my daughter was around 18 months old, I had to go through the traumatic experience of a second trimester abortion. The surgical procedure left me on bed rest a few days, grieving for weeks, and with a bonus of contracting a COVID infection from my brief hospital stay. Between surgery, isolation and my grief, needless to say, I just couldn't be a present parent during that time. 

And then, to add to the chaos, my daughter rejected me. Hard. 

She wanted Dad. Dad to get her up in the morning and make breakfast. Dad to brush her teeth. Dad to get her dressed. Dad to do her bath time and tuck her in at night. It was exhausting for both of us. 

Of course a 1 year old does not understand the world in any complex way, so when we have a big life change, whether going through grief, an injury or simply an increase in work hours, young children will often push away from their once favorite caregiver and favor someone else. 

At the time it was excruciatingly painful for me as a parent, although developmentally normal and healthy. These parental preferences are simply a way for kids who have very little control over their lives to exert some autonomy and reflect a very secure attachment to the non-favorite parent. Kids don't reject parents they don't feel safe with.  

Luckily I recovered, as did my little one. To this day she and her Dad have a special bond, she and I have our own special bond, and I feel so lucky she has many safe and trusted caregivers in her life, including aunts, grandparents, babysitters, teachers and my husband and I. 

If you're going through something like this, know it's a sign of good parenting, it's normal to have mixed feelings about it, and it's not forever. Here's a few things that may help get you through parental preferences and rejection. 

Keep a poker face. Try not to have a big reaction, even if you feel frustrated. It's important to model calm behavior to our kids and continue to support them through rejection. 

Set firm boundaries. Every parent needs a break, and it's not fair on the preferred parent to do everything all the time. While it's ok to bend the rules from time to time, sticking to routines can be really helpful for everyone involved. You can try and say something like "you really love Daddy but he's not available right now. Let's do your bath time and then Daddy can read you your bedtime story." 

Set aside one on one time. Doing something special just the two of you can help reinforce those bonds and create special new memories together. Even a half hour standing "date" every week can reinforce bonds and take steps towards connection and bonding. 

Thoughts? Have you been through this? What helped your family to get through parental preference? 

Detoxing from Amazon and Target (and the stores we're using to replace them)

If you're like us with busy jobs and little ones at home, letting go of Amazon Prime and Target probably feels like a huge blow! We had backed off quite a bit from Amazon in recent years but still relied pretty heavily on Target to fill in gaps when we couldn't find items at secondhand stores or small local businesses, and occasionally used Amazon prime in a pinch around the holidays. The recent attacks on diversity and inclusion policies at private companies was the push we needed personally to take our business elsewhere. I figured if it doesn't work, we can always pivot back to shopping at these places if we really need to. The good news? It seems like a lot of these bans and boycotts are working, at least if you take articles like this as a sign of success. 

At first, I was pretty overwhelmed- we get all kinds of things from Target, Amazon and some of the other big offenders listed. Over the last few days I've compiled a list of alternative options that are better choices for most of the things we usually get at the above stores. Over time and with practice, we've felt the impact of cutting out these big companies less and less. 

Buy Nothing and Local groups. We have routinely used our Buy Nothing Groups to both give and receive needed items, and this is often the first place we look if we're in need of something. Many local mutual aid groups also give or donate items to families in need. Have a look at what organizations are active in your area. 

Ebay, Goodwill, and other secondhand stores and sites. When it comes to clothes, this is generally the first place I look for myself and the kids. Kids grow so fast, and often you can find close to new options from great quality brands. Learning the Ebay search engine and knowing your size ranges and specific needs can really help narrow your search and prevent unnecessary spending. 

Small and local businesses. This has been a life saver for home improvement and gardening supplies. We have a local hardware store and plant nursery that has probably replaced 90% of our previous Home Depot shopping list. We are also longtime users of our local container free store. 

Costco. We have only had our Costco membership for a year, but it's been a great option for school snacks, certain fruits and veg, milk, and certain dried goods. I imagine we'll get even more use out of their dried goods, clothes and electronics sections moving forward. 

Wayfair and the Container Free Store. We really did not patronize these stores much at all, even when moving into our home, but moving forward when we can't find what we want or need for the house secondhand, these will be two of the first places we look. They both have continued their DEI initiatives and have a history of donating to blue campaigns.

Nordstrom. Some clothes such as basics and swimwear obviously need to be purchased new. Nordstrom has historically supported democratic causes and continues their diversity and inclusion initiatives. When we've tried secondhand stores and struck out, this is usually where we shop. Patagonia is another great alternative. 

Bookshop.org. I love supporting Bookshop.org as they allow you to choose a local indie Bookstore (Our favorite down here is Rohi's Readery!) to "patronize" online. We love getting books as gifts for friends and classmates, and Bookshop.org has been a great way to do that and avoid supporting Amazon. 

Lastly, I wanted to plug Goods Unite Us- an app that helps you understand where different companies sit on various issues. If you have questions about where your dollar is going when you spend at different stores, Goods Unite Us is a great way to be an informed consumer. 

A final thought: If the idea of boycotts and blackouts is overwhelming or out of reach right now, that's okay. Some families may find it's financially not possible to avoid certain stores, or may only have a single option in their area. I am not a big fan of gatekeeping. People should show up however they're able, and we should all meet each other where we're at. Division only serves the other side.

Thoughts? Are you participating in the next boycott? Where have you moved your shopping to? I'd love add more conscious companies to our list. 

We Taught Our Four Year Old How to Read. Here's How.

As a writer and lifelong bookworm, raising another book lover was high on our priorities from well before birth. I mean, we read to E basically from pregnancy onward! I wrote about some of our intentional pre-reading habits here, if you're interested- find that here. 

But this is a post about reading. It took us a long time to get here, but as of February of this year, our four year old is reading basic books and on a clear, steady path to becoming the latest family bookworm. How we got here was not a smooth ride- we tried lots of strategies, books, lessons, and games with varying degrees of success. Here's the step by step of how we got started on the journey, the twists and turns and when and how things finally clicked! Plus a lot of our favorite resources at the bottom.

Phase 1: exposure. This is well documented in my last post so I will keep this short. Basically from when she was still in my belly, P and I read to E. Then when she arrived, we read some more. As she grew, we KEPT READING. We are read at least a few minutes here and there every day and are on a first name basis with our local librarians. There's good evidence to show language exposure through reading is an important part of raising readers.* 

Phase 2: lessons at 3 (tried and failed) when E was just under 3, she started school. Not long after she started, E started coming home telling us letter sounds, so from pretty early on she was exposed to phonics. After her first semester as we approached spring break, I was trying to figure out a schedule for her days off. One of the things I was considering doing with her was phonics during M's morning naps. We discovered the Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons, and armed with that, some advice with my early childhood educator mom, and some Bob books, we jumped right in. 

The first 10 lessons, which are pre-reading skills, went great. But things quickly went downhill. E was not engaged and very resistant to lessons. I wanted things to be child-led, and it was clear where E was leading things. She was not enjoying it and did not want to do the lessons. So, as stubborn as I can be, the humbling experience of parenting prevailed and we took a break from reading lessons. It was hard for me to do, but clearly the right move for E. 

Phase 3: backing off. From March of last year up until December, we did zero formal reading lessons. None. I did try once or twice again over the summer to approach the idea again, associating lessons with rewards and trying the first Bob book, but she made it clear she wasn't interested. 

So instead, we focused on other activities that she enjoyed. We read together as always, participated in the library summer reading challenge, and played letter sound games (what can you think of that starts with the eh sound? How about B?). We sang the apple apple A-A-A song. On trips where she had her iPad we played phonics games. We looked for letters we recognized out and about on signs and billboards. I only asked if she wanted to try reading lessons again a handful of times, and she made it clear that she wasn't ready. I figured we could try again over spring break if I felt she was ready. 

Phase 4: When E returned to school from winter break, she was sent home with the first Bob book, a list of sight words, and a reading log. From here we let her decide if she wanted to do the log (after all, she is not even technically in preschool at this point), and most of the time, with a fair bit of help and encouragement, she was able to sound out 3 letter words. 

That was about a month ago, and now she is well on her way in her reading journey. While she doesn't read independently (and we don't push it) she can easily sound out basically structured words and a few sound words. It has been fun seeing how quickly she is learning now that she's really ready, and we're very excited to see where the spring takes us! 

Before I wrap up, here are our favorite resources and strategies that we used to expose her to phonics and help her along on her reading journey, with links included.

Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons. I will start by saying this was my *least* used resource on the list. It really did not work well for our kid. However, I know several parents that have vouched for this method, enough that I am keeping it at least a few more years to use with M. The approach is certainly simple and evidence based. 

Bob books. I think this is a pretty well known one, but worth mentioning. E enjoys them and loves that she can put them in her purse to read at church or on long car rides (she is an accessories girly all the way) 

Teach Your Monster to Read. We had a few trips last spring and while E didn't quite get the hang of this game at first, she did like it and play it with our help. I plan to use this game for her on our next road trip and imagine she'll enjoy it even more now. 

Chapter books. This one surprised me, but I'm convinced that the language exposure made a difference for E. She got a bunch of Angelina Ballerina and Catwings early chapter books for her birthday, whizzed through them over winter break, and started reading phonetically not long after. The combination of words and pictures in a new format really excited her, and it made her feel like a big girl to read such long books. 

Other games and songs. Simple games like "let's take turns thinking of things that start with the letter B", I spy letters on signs,  or the apple apple A-A-A song by Barbara Milne, were a regular occurrence in our house leading up to E's breakthrough. They may seem like small activities but I do think repeatedly using these strategies over a year made a big difference!

That's our story. What strategies are you using to read with your kids? 

A final note - if your kid is not showing signs or interest in learning to read. Please do not sweat it! Most children start reading around 6 or 7 years of age, and there is really no rush to push them to start reading sooner. I was totally ready to wait another year or two, if our school teachers didn't feel my daughter was ready. 

Positive Sibling Relationships and building strong family bonds

 

As our children have grown, it's been fun watching their relationship develop. As M becomes more interactive, both kids have found creative (and adorable) new ways to engage and play with each other. 

BUT. 

The adorable interactions have also come with increasing annoying each other, invading personal space and conflict. Our eldest child doesn't always want to share her toys, and our youngest has a lot of annoying but developmentally normal habits. I'm very close with my siblings and my husband and I both pictured a close-knit family where our kids had similarly tight bonds, but we are also realists. While I'd love for our kids to be close as they grow up, our main goal as parents is to try and maintain the peace in our household and parent fairly. Luckily, much of the success behind close sibling relationships boils down to just that- equitable parenting. Here's a few things we're doing to try and maintain peace and positive sibling relationships in our home.

Prioritize family time. So much of our kids' behavior stems from wanting our time and attention. With two working parents (one full time and one part time), time that all four of us are together is pretty limited. We have to be very intentional with our schedules to ensure we have regular quality time together. For us, the most convenient way to do this every day is a family meal. We do dinners together- everyone eats the same thing at the same time, and we talk about our days. We share favorite, hardest and funniest parts of what happened during the school or workday, share what we've been working on or struggling with, or sometimes just eat quietly together. We also try and incorporate family walks and bike rides, and the occasional longer or more adventurous outing during the weekend. Older families might choose to do game nights instead, or have a dedicated night every week to do something as a family if daily family meals aren't an option. The key to whatever you're doing is that you're doing it together.

Catch them in kindness. This may sound silly but it's actually been shown to be much more effective than other forms or discipline or behavior modification. Catching a child doing a wanted behavior can be a powerful tool. I try to keep it simple- "you shared that toy so nicely with your brother!" plus a hug, high five, or a shoulder squeeze. We also love "positive gossiping" as a strategy- in the car or on walks together, my partner or I will loudly share, "E was helping the babysitter find M's pacifier this morning- it was so nice of her!" Both of these approaches can be a very effective way to reinforce wanted behavior (in this case, kindness.) 

Avoid choosing sides. This can be tricky if you have a big age gap or very young kids, but we try very hard not to favor one child, even from an early age. Our kids are quite young, so at this age it mostly involves lots of listening to big sister, encouraging her to communicate her feelings directly to her brother with words, and helping her brainstorm ideas for solutions when she is frustrated. Apart from listening we try really hard not to be the judge and jury of their conflicts, and although we do have to sometimes help come up with solutions, I am impressed more often than not with my daughter's ability to figure out how to negotiate conflicts. 

Zero tolerance for bullying.  I know this sounds contradictory, and the reality is with a younger sibling this is a very fine line to tow! Our kids are 2.5 years apart, and while M is getting bigger, stronger and more verbal every day, he can't always stick up for himself when a toy or object gets snatched away. We can't moderate the kids every moment, but if we see something go down that upsets him (and occasionally big sister when she is the victim), we loudly call it out and correct the action. This might be a "hey, no bullying!" or if one of them has left the other one crying, giving lots of love and attention to whoever was getting picked on. As E has gotten older this has definitely gotten easier, but of course they're both human and from time to time we do need to intervene. 

Protected one on one time. This might be one of the most impactful things we can do to reduce sibling rivalry. It may sometimes feel like no amount of time is ever enough for our kids, but even a few minutes of setting the phone aside and getting on your child's level for some dedicated attention can make a huge difference. This tells your child they are a valued and important person to you, and that they matter. When M was tiny, E and I would spend an hour during M's naptime on the couch reading together. Now that he's older (and we get plenty of time together while E is at school,) I've been trying a new routine where E and I run errands or do something special together for at least an hour a week. Scheduling 'date nights' where kids can get one on one time with each of us individually has been really beneficial for both her and us- we love getting to know her and spend time with her without interruptions or distractions and she loves having our undivided attention. 

We're pretty early on in our parenting journey, so we're far from the home stretch, but hopefully these strategies will put down a foundation for our family to stay close for years to come. 

What do you think? Anything I missed? See below for a few great articles and resources on parenting siblings and making sure each child is valued.

The Science Behind Positive Attention

The benefits of one on one time with children

The definitive text on parenting siblings

A great, free and easy course on parenting from a Yale professor in child psychology.

Low Waste Cooking: Our favorite quick and easy plant-based meals

Last year, one of our new year's goals as a family was to reduce our meat consumption. With two working parents we have no choice but to run a tight ship it we want to keep things going smoothly, stick to our food budget and minimize waste. 

We have a loose meal plan that helps tremendously with this. In general we cook two big meals on the weekend that we eat the first half of the week, then cook the rest of the week with a break on Thursday for takeout. We generally stick to cooking one meat dish and one meal with fish, and the rest of the home-cooked meals are plant-based.

A year on and I can say we've finally found a rhythm that works for us. Here are four of our most-used dishes and links to where we got the recipes (plus a bonus tip at the end!)

Greek lentil soup (fakes): this is a hearty, low effort meal that can come together in 45 minutes or less. What's more, it's generally pretty hands off. My biggest meal pet peeve is when a meal boasts being easy or quick but doesn't factor in the amount of chopping needed (anyone else? Just me?) This one is definitely not that, and the hands-on time is pretty quick. We usually serve this with garlic naan or the everything but the bagel bread from Aldi, feta cheese and a side salad (we love making salads from scratch but are currently in the bagged salad season of our lives for efficiency and survival.) We use a recipe typed into a word document from a friend in Greece, but this recipe is pretty close (almost word for word!) We just swap out fresh tomatoes for tinned crushed tomatoes or passata.

Link: Greek lentil soup (Fakes) 

Revithosoupa: I discovered this in the cafeteria at the university where I studied during my Fulbright grant. For 3 euros you would get this incredible rich, completely meat and dairy-free soup and bread, and it was the perfect quick meal on a cold winter day. We're actually making it today when it's unseasonably cold in Florida (55 degrees Fahrenheit and chilly!) and the kids both tend to like it about half the time we serve it (real talk, that's a win in our family! both kids have become major snackaholics lately.) It can also be made with dry chickpeas (soak at least 12 hours before boiling) or with two cans of chickpeas, drained.

bonus tip: take two cups when finished cooking and blend with some olive oil, salt, pepper and the lemon juice before re-adding to the pot. This makes for a thicker, creamier texture that's just amazing. 

Link: Greek chickpea stew (revithosoupa) 

 Red lentil dal with tarka. 

This one's a new addition I found during my library ritual of flipping through a cookbook while the kids play in the children's room (highly recommend!) It comes together SO quick and is so filling and tasty! And my favorite part is the tarka we make to go on top and add a little heat to the grown ups' plates. It's also versatile - we often toss a handful of greens in towards the end or mix with yogurt for some extra calcium for the kids. 

Link: Milk Street: Cook What You Have 

Sheet pan tofu and broccoli with peanut sauce. 

This was another library cookbook discovery, but I've followed Jenny Rosenstrach for a while through her writing on Cup of Jo and had somehow never picked up one of her cookbooks! There are so many great recipes in The Weekday Vegetarians. This one is a mix of the basic baked tofu and spicy (ish) peanut sauce. We just add broccoli, tossed either in olive oil, salt, garlic powder and pepper, or soyaki sauce if we're feeling fancy, and serve on a bed of rice. 

The Weekday Vegetarians 

Honorable mention: Bean and cheese quesadillas. This could also be labeled "anything with beans" because when I open a can of black beans my two grazers inevitably start eating them right from the sieve in the sink! We like to do basic rice and beans with bell peppers, onion and garlic (easy, quick, cheap and great because the kids get to choose additional toppings and think its a fun game to assemble their own meals) and quesadillas, which my four year old still calls "bean pizza." 

So much of low waste living is not about the big buys or changes - it's the simple little things you can do every day and might not even think about. 

What are your favorite plant based recipes? I'm looking to add some new ones into rotation in 2025! 

How we're getting our kids into hiking (in the flattest state ever.)

Peter and I have always loved spending time together outside (it's a big part of why I ranked my residency so highly- it was a ten minute drive to some amazing state parks!) so we knew we wanted to raise kids who love spending time outside too. Since E has gotten older, I'm starting to realize what a challenge it can be to bring little kids along hiking, and I've heard from lots of parents of young kids that this is a common problem. While I don't doubt she can do it, the mix of boredom and whining can be really grating and suck the fun out of even a short hike. And to an extent, I get it. Who wants to hike when you've got playgrounds and splash pads?

Fast forward a few years and our kids are now 4 and 1.5, and we're looking ahead at a few trips this summer that will involve some great hiking destinations. We really don't want to skip these parts of our trip, so I'm starting to work on getting both kids more into hiking now so we can squeeze at least a few trails in this summer. Some of these are methods we've tried and some are suggestions from other parents a little ahead of us, so I'll definitely post an update once we've wrapped up our trips about how things went.

Start small and short. When I trained for half marathons, this was key to being able to accomplish my goal- starting my training with super short distances and slowly building up. For us this means neighborhood walks and boardwalks that are under a mile. My kiddo can easily ride her scooter to and from the nearest playground, but we're currently working on getting her to the library and back, which is double the distance. Once a week on my full day at home with the kids, we make the mile-ish walk to the toddler story time, or hit a local nature trail or boardwalk. I'm hoping this will make for an easier time doing mile-long hikes in the summer. 

Make it a game. E actually has a little background in hiking- from the age of 18 months to 2 years, she was part of a free forest school and went on lots of hikes with the older kids in her cohort. The big kids loved playing different games as they walked, from scavenger hunts to I spy (and of course, lots of imaginary play.) We like to play a lot of sensory games too- talking about what we can see, hear and smell (this exercise is also a great way to introduce mindfulness.)

Food can be an excellent motivator. E is definitely a snackaholic, and she usually gets a lot farther if I bring a few different kinds of snacks for her and her brother. I try to keep some loose rule in place so we're not stopping every 5 feet- on the walks where we live there are plenty of benches so we have to get at least to the next bench or so before we take a break. And for longer trips I'm not afraid to pack along some sweets like kisses or M&M candies for her to have once we’ve reached a certain distance. 

Be prepared to carry. Even our big kid gets tired, and while I know she's capable of walking a fair distance, it's still not uncommon for her to want to be carried sometimes. Luckily she's still just within the appropriate weight for our soft carrier, but this summer we plan to upgrade to a toddler size carrier that we can either wear on the waist or easily fold into our backpack. It can be a fine line to know when to push them to keep going, so having a backup way of getting back seems like a good idea.

Choose an exciting destination. I've heard this from parents of older kids but I've also seen it with E- when there is something cool at the end of the hike she's definitely more willing to keep going! Things like waterfalls, arches and even a little creek bed to splash in can be a big motivator for kids to keep on moving. And it doesn't have to be the destination itself- interesting bridges, rocks to scramble up and narrow passages to squeeze through can also get kids back in the mood for adventure.

If you take your kids hiking, what has worked for you? I'd love to hear your experiences! And will definitely post an update of some kind when we get back. 

 

The surprising way we took a low-waste trip to Boston

The kids having a snack at their art table.

This fall, my family and I did something that felt a little bit out of our comfort zone.

We have been so thankful to buy a home and grow our family in the last few years, but it also means that money has been a bit tight. So when we were invited to three(!) big family events within a few months of each other, we knew we had some difficult decisions to make to fit them into our budget. 

I had been toying with the idea of a house swap on and off since we bought our home, but there weren’t really many trips we were planning as we prepared to welcome our son, then care for him as a newborn. By the fall, he was one and we were eager to get back into traveling to explore new places and see friends and family. I also knew from a work trip over the summer that apartments and home rentals work much better for our family at this stage than hotels. So when my cousin announced her wedding in the neighborhood we lived in when E was born, I realized it might be a great opportunity to try house-swapping out for size. 

If the term isn’t familiar to you, a home swap is essentially two households swapping homes for an agreed on length of time. It could be extended family, or someone found through a website or agency. According to this BBC article it’s been a rising trend since the 2000s, getting a boost from the film ‘The Holiday’ (and probably also helped along by the economic crisis of the late 2000s.) My parents actually house swapped once with cousins when we were kids, and Peter and I had relatives from Greece stay in our tiny New York apartment while we were traveling one holiday. It had gone pretty smoothly and we were happy to help another couple make their trip more affordable. What’s more, house swapping is considered more eco-friendly than other forms of travel, as it reduces carbon footprint, waste and resource consumption. Realizing that I knew the neighborhood we’d be interested in pretty well (and after lots of talking and thinking about it,) we decided to try to find a family to home swap with us for a week in October.

Here’s the nuts and bolts of how we did it, how it went, and what we learned and might do differently moving forward.

This room looks a bit different now, but the view from the living room window is still one of my favorite spots in the house.

Finding a family to swap with.

For me, this was the most nerve-wracking part of the whole experience. How do you know you’re exchanging your home with someone trustworthy? We could have used a service -Home Exchange has great reviews and has been around awhile, but the annual fee was a bit of a deterrent, since we didn’t know if we’d use the service again if it didn’t work out.

Instead, we opted for a bit of an unorthodox choice- Facebook groups. 

I have to say, under normal circumstances, I couldn’t recommend this. Even typing it out sounds like the start of a scene from The Vacation From Hell. We opted for Facebook *only* because I was a regular user of the Mom groups for this neighborhood when E was born, and knew they were exceptionally strictly monitored. I had used the same groups dozens of times to buy, sell, gift and exchange baby items, so this felt like a slight level up from what I had already been using them for, and had positive experiences with. 

I posted a brief description of my idea, our home, the dates we were interested in swapping, and what we needed in a home, and immediately got quite a few responses! We ultimately decided to swap with another family of four who lived just one street over from our old home. It had enough space for us and was a short walk from the local transit station. I was excited to revisit our old playgrounds, libraries and restaurants with our kids now that E was older. 

Preparing to swap.

Since this was our first time having someone stay in our home while we weren’t there, it took a fair bit of work to make everything go smoothly. We spent many Saturdays decluttering, reorganizing and making our guest room and office into less of an afterthought and more liveable, comfortable spaces. We organized the garage so the family could easily find our beach gear. A week before the swap we paid to have our home deep cleaned by professionals. We borrowed an extra twin mattress and bought separate towels and sheets for our guests. I also spent a lot of time making and editing a document on accessing and running the house and wifi, as well as a few rules and requests for the end of the stay. 

The other slight difference to other forms of travel was timing- while I usually search for the cheapest flight itinerary, but having to coordinate with another family meant we had to make sure we were out of the house and back at roughly the right times, and as a courtesy I checked with the family in Boston to make sure our travel times worked for them. A very manageable problem, but worth pointing out.

Snuggled up in the coziest armchair (with the cuddlier of the two cats.)

The home exchange.

The exchange itself was surprisingly smooth! The apartment we stayed in had two bedrooms and an open work space off of the living room/play area, so it worked well for our needs (mostly vacation time with a little remote work for Peter.) Their kids were older than ours, and although they did hide as many small toys as they could, we did have to watch our son pretty closely during the week we were there. They also had two very sweet cats who occasionally showed their faces for cuddles before disappearing to hide from our noisy kids. 

The biggest hitches were pretty minor- on the night our babysitter drove in for the wedding, she parked incorrectly and I missed a call from our hosts at the wedding reception for her to move the vehicle. We apologized and the family was very understanding. We also had one mishap where one of the cats bolted, and I’ve never been so thankful to have married a cat person- Peter very quickly bounded down the steps and grabbed him just as he was making his way down the sidewalk. Apart from a noisy night or two when the unit above had a party, we were very comfortable the whole time and things went pretty smoothly!

Our kids made themselves right at home!

The return home and some afterthoughts.

Heading back home went pretty well, but it did take more work than leaving a hotel room with linens and messes to be dealt with by someone else. We wanted to leave the apartment as nicely as we found it, which wasn’t easy considering we had to leave to catch a flight early in the morning. We spent the night before departure tidying and replacing any food we had used up. I assembled a small bag of thank you gifts for our hosts and their kids. Early the morning of our flight we had to get the kids up to wash the sheets and towels and break down the travel crib we had borrowed. Once we triple-checked we had locked everything up properly, we were off.

We made it home that afternoon to a house in similar shape to when we left it and a TON of food and new pool/beach toys the family had ordered and left behind (Amy, if you’re reading this, THANK YOU!) A few things got misplaced but were found eventually. One pool float managed to break, but they were nice enough to replace it for us. I asked the mother who coordinated with me on our exchange what they might like to do differently next time, and she assured me everything was great on their end too, and offered to try this out again during the summer months, which I take to be a good sign! 

It left us feeling ready to try a home swap again in the future- we are actually looking at another home exchange experience in the coming months when we visit family overseas. Here’s what I’m keeping in mind to make future swaps go as smoothly as possible.

Returning to playgrounds E last visited when she was two was pretty wild

Decide what you’re looking for. 

Do you need one bedroom? Two? A dedicated workspace? Is some amount of pet or plant-sitting ok? Do you need to go and be back at a fixed time, or are your travel dates fluid? It helps here to be flexible, but if there are must-haves, be clear on needs before you start your search.

You also need to decide who you’re looking for, meaning who you are comfortable swapping homes with. The ideal situation is going with someone who is well-vetted- just like when you’re looking for an airbnb. Apps usually have systems to review guests and host homes, but knowing someone personally is another option. In our case, the who also mattered in that we were bringing young kids, and wanted to be in a place that was set up to host our children. So swapping with a family of children similar ages to ours worked out great.

A word of caution: none of these strategies for choosing the ‘right’ family are foolproof; they help, but cannot completely prevent problems from arising. There is always going to be an inherent risk when inviting someone to use your home. Bad exchanges, like ones involving ruined kitchen equipment and huge messes that required professional cleaners- are rare, but they do happen. To that end, think carefully about whether this kind of travel is right for you. Because my parents live close and kept an eye on things, and we don’t have nice furniture or many valuables (and the ones we did, we locked up carefully or removed from the home), we felt comfortable moving forward with a home exchange. But even for us, risks are always present.

Write up a house manual. You might know how to run your home as a well-oiled machine, but a total stranger is going to have no clue if the router needs to be rebooted every now and then or the sprinklers need adjusting. Start with the very basics- how to find and get into the house. Add photos if you can (visuals can be a huge help!) We also printed out step-by-step instructions for our coffee and tea machine. 

If you’re swapping vehicles, be sure to add rules and recommendations on what to do if any problems arrive. As a bonus, we like to share a local guide to our area with the nearest grocery stores and our favorite restaurants, parks and attractions. 

Set clear expectations at the get-go. If there are any big take-homes, this is it. Cleanliness and common courtesy can mean different things to different people. If you want folks to strip the beds and run a load of linens, or have the place cleaned professionally, tell them! If you don’t want any smoking on the premises or would like your food replaced (or left untouched,) be clear from the start. For us this meant delineating the house rules and expectations in a document. This helps avoid so much stress and unmet expectations. 

Keep lines of communication open. We didn’t have a constant stream of consciousness text, but for little things (where’s the litter box, again? How do you access the basement?) you can and should keep in touch. We also enjoyed hearing from the exchange family about how much they enjoyed the pool, beach and our favorite local places. 

Home exchanges probably aren’t for everyone, but when done right, they can be a fun, low waste and engaging way to see another part of the world or visit friends and family. We're excited to try and exchange our home again this summer!

What do you think? Is this a kind of travel you would try? Have you house swapped before? I’d love to hear your experiences!