Well, I'm Back

I wasn’t expecting to be writing my next post from outside of Liberia, but here we are. The plans changed slowly and suddenly at the same time. That may sound strange but it’s true. First, just under 2 weeks ago, a supervisor’s visit was cut short by Covid-19. Before she left we talked about the possibility of me leaving early and what it would entail, but nothing was set in stone. Then the craziest week of my life went down (can’t go into details but I have never been more stressed out in my entire life…) All the while I felt torn in two by the decision to stay and continue my work in Liberia or go home. Even with plans on the ground getting canceled left and right, and lots of fear of the unknown, there was still so much work to be done. I had finally fallen into a good workflow, become friends with my colleagues in Liberia, and felt like I was making progress in the right direction with our research goals. Ultimately the decision wasn’t in my hands and I was recalled by my program.

And then I left. It took 2 of 3 bookings getting canceled (all made within 24 hours of each other because airlines were changing routes and canceling things left and right,) a night spent hurriedly doing as much data entry as I could before leaving, and 2 last minute visits to a tailor (priorities, right?) before I was en route to the airport, starting the long journey home.

I didn’t sleep the night before my flight. Once the decision was made my mind began to torture me with all the possibilities for things to go wrong- delays, crowds and cancelations, running out of cash (I was already short due to an emergency the week before I departed,) running a fever before boarding the plane. I donned a surgical mask for the flight, anticipating dense crowds at the airports, but Roberstfield was calm and eerily empty. I think I was part of the last wave of foreigners to leave. I had one last cassava leaf at the airport café before boarding a half-empty flight to Accra, where I waited in a quiet airport lounge before boarding the flight that would deposit me at Dulles. Most people donned masks but were feeling uncommonly jovial and friendly- perhaps relieved knowing soon they’d be home and not stranded far from family during a global pandemic.

A few people coughed on the 11 hour flight back to the U.S. I tried not to worry about it too much, but couldn’t help but notice how gaping the openings were in my ill-fitting surgical mask. I was expecting mass chaos, crowding and long waits once we arrived in Dulles, but even with my border agent pausing every 10 seconds to check with his neighbor that he was asking me the right screening questions, there was absolutely no line or delays. I missed my flight anyways but was promptly booked onto another half empty flight back to Boston. From there it was surreal how fast everything happened. Less than 2 hours later as we deplaned I almost immediately exited the terminal, nearly blowing past my husband because I had left the secure area. I thought I would cry, or laugh, or be overwhelmed with emotion, but I was to numb with surprise and shock. He took my bag, handed me my coat and we headed back home on an uncharacteristically empty Storrow drive.

I am both relieve and disappointed at the same time. Despite having some health issues in Liberia, I really was having an incredible experience. The specialists, consultants and residents and I had all gotten to known each other, I had figured out where I fit into their system, their world. Up until the week before I left, some really great projects were going to be ramped up. One of the pediatricians had taken me with her to visit waterside market, and she I had plans to make pepper sauce before I went back.

Apart from all this, I definitely feel some guilt as well. Guilt that I am home, on my couch, unpacking, with my husband only a few feet away, in a country with an ICU, with ventilators, with intensivists, and with way more capacity to handle a surge in cases of Covid-19. Guilt that my friends and colleagues are still in Liberia, facing uncertainty and a disease that has been shown to cause serious illness in healthcare workers. I still feel the decision to leave was the right one- both due to my health and because I would hate for my job to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars evacuating me in the event of a medical emergency when that money could be better spent elsewhere.

I’ve spent the last couple of days since getting home sleeping, unpacking and trying to wrap my head around Covid-19’s impact on Boston. Soon I’ll meet with my team to devise a game plan for work these next few months. Hopefully it will make me feel less helpless. In the meantime I’ll keep reading the situation reports from WHO and prepping myself mentally for whatever lies ahead the next few months. Hope everyone is staying safe and healthy these days.