Dear E

When you were tiny, just twelve weeks old, I went back to work. I cried as I gave you a kiss and handed you off to Dad so I could go to my first shift, cried in the car on the drive in to the hospital, cried in the call room as I set up my pump parts, ready to go at a moments' notice, so I could pump even if the ER was packed. I remember the first time I was pumping when a code was called, and I spilled milk and flanges scattered across the floor as I scrambled to grab my badge and stethoscope and rush back down to the ER. At 12 weeks, I was not ready to be away from you. You needed your Momma.

It did get easier, but even as you got older and less dependent on me and my body for love, nutrition and comfort, I couldn't help but have this nagging feeling, this sadness, every time I left. It shifted- from guilt about being away from you when I knew how much we both loved breastfeeding cuddles, to feeling haunted by your cries when I left you in your nanny's arms, even when I found you laughing and smiling with her hours later.

It was a feeling so intense I even turned down a dream job in global health at a reputable hospital, the perfect next step in my career, to be home more with you and baby brother. I was tired of being the Working Mom, constantly missing you, wanting to show up 100% for my job and 100% for you, and feeling like I was failing at both.

Now we're home together as a family of four. I have you and M all to myself (except for Yiayia, who I am happy to share with.) I take you to the playground, to 'cookie dates' at Starbucks, to library class. With M in my arms I tuck you in for naps, help you start an art project or science experiment, make your favorite snacks. The (not so) perfect stay at home Mom.

But now that I've been both Moms, I see things differently. M is 9 weeks. I'm going back to work Friday. Dad will watch you guys while I spend 3 hours at my own Dad's outpatient clinic. You know I am a doctor and that I 'take care of sick babies.' You know I use a stethoscope and bring you back stickers from our nurses at clinic and the busy urgent care one town over. After getting home I trip over myself to change out of my scrubs and hold you. I'm convinced your mommy's home hugs are your best hugs ever. And this broken patriarchal society we live in, I love showing you that I, your mother, can provide for you and for my family.

I'm not sad I turned down the busy hospital job. 15 hour night shifts and a 0.8 FTE are sacrifices I am no longer willing to make for my career, at least not for now. I swapped the high intensity (and high paying) jobs in hospitals for lighter, more flexible work. I swapped the steady paycheck for the ability to say 'no' to work whenever I want to - something that for me feels priceless at this stage in my life. Its a little scary, but I'm thankful I even have this choice. It's a privilege I know many cannot afford.

I used to think that if I succeeded as a doctor I failed somewhere as a Mom, and that if I threw myself into motherhood I was failing myself in my chosen vocation. But it's just not true.

I realize now that it's not that I hated being a working mom. I just needed to do both, on my own terms.

I'm not a stay at home Mom. And I'm not a working mom. I'm just mom.

Love you.

Mommy

Beating the Heat in Florida

Summer is well under way down here, but we just started venturing out into the heat a couple of weeks ago when M turned one month old (before that, the record-breaking heat felt unsafe for a tiny newborn.) We've been getting cabin fever over here, so last week I made my first trip out the door with both kids, solo. We took a 15 minute walk to the playground nearby. And guys, I have a new found respect for moms of more than one kid (ok, I always thought parenting more than one looked hard- turns out I was right.) It was honestly not the best trip. There were tears and challenges, but we got through it. And it was a huge relief to get out of the house. But it was HOT. July of 2023 was, frighteningly, the hottest month on record. And as I write this, South Florida has yet another extreme heat warning. 

Extreme heat can be dangerous for anyone, but young children and infants are especially vulnerable, as they can get dehydrated quickly. Thankfully we took a few steps to prepare so I wanted to share them here. 

  We planned ahead. Yes, we looked at the weather forecast. But I also wanted to be back in the house before the hottest part of the day set in, which is typically around 10 am. So we packed up and set out early. If you're not an early bird type, after 4 is typically a good time to head back outdoors. 

Choose a shady spot. We also chose a playground with lots of shade. Not just because it helps us stay cooler- it keeps the equipment cool as well. Heat related injuries due to extreme temperatures of outdoor equipment is on the rise. In Arizona, there have been reports of hot asphalt causing burns, and a surface temperature can be as low as 110 degrees Fahrenheit and cause injury. So look for playgrounds with good tree coverage or sails overhead. 

Water. Make sure everyone's drinking! Our bodies produce sweat to help us keep cool, so it's important to replenish that. But it's not the only way water can keep us cool. We brought cooling towels that can be thrown around your neck or head to cool your body down, and of course parks with splash pads and other forms of water play are great this time of year. 

Check in with your kids. They may need reminders to pause and drink some water, take a break to rest or have a snack. Signs of heat illness can be subtle, and it can come on quickly- anyone experiencing fatigue, exhaustion, headache, or any change in mental status, needs to get indoors and cool down immediately. Other signs to look for include nausea, vomiting, muscle cramps, and dizziness. And if extreme heat is being reported, consider a trip somewhere indoors. We love the pool and the local library, and the indoor play space at our local mall is another spot we can get some energy out while staying cool. 

Honestly, it feels a bit sad to have to write a post like this. To see the extremes of weather we've seen in so many parts of the world is scary, and with many climate deniers and down-players in positions of power and authority, it can feel discouraging, especially as a parent with young kids who will grow up in a world where these kinds of weather events will be commonplace. If anything, becoming a parent has made me even more passionate about protecting the Earth for future generations, and these kids have shown us they're not letting us go down without a fight-
these teens in Montana have given me hope that together we can make a difference. In the meantime, stay cool out there.