A little over a week ago, for the first time in a while, I took a break from both blogging and social media. I have to say it felt really good and was much needed, but probably deserves some explanation. We have had some really high highs and some pretty abysmal lows the last few months, some of which I'm ready to talk about (and, unfortunately, feels like something that needs to be said given the current mood these days.)
I'm going to at least make an attempt at brevity by rolling this up into a timeline of sorts, starting in December of last year.
December: two things happened at once. One, we found out a home would be available on my parents' street, right across from them, and we had a chance to buy it off market. This was a very big deal for us, because homes don't often become available in my parents neighborhood, the market's been crazy tough, and even if we'd wanted to buy we would likely be outbid. We began the long, slow process of purchasing a home off market.
At the same time, we found out some news that was both exciting and scary- I was pregnant. We were excited because we wanted a second child, and scared because we just hadn't expected it to happen this soon- I still had a thesis to finish and have been working really difficult hours. Nevertheless we were thrilled- I immediately bought E big sister t-shirt to break the news to our immediate family, made a list of things to look out for secondhand for baby #2, and began revisiting our old baby name google document and debating whether we'd be having a baby boy or baby girl.
February: we had just gotten back from traveling to Liberia as a family and I had my 13 week scan. As usual, I was friendly and chatty with the ultrasound tech, while sort of side-eyeing the numbers on the screen. Because I work in child health, I knew a little bit about the scan I was getting, but not quite enough to be sure if what I was seeing was abnormal.
I'll cut to the chase- it was. My baby had increased nuchal thickness, which can be a marker for major genetic disorders. Within minutes I was placed on the phone with an MFM doctor, and together we decided I'd get a CVS (basically a needle inserted into my placenta to test the cells for different genetic disorders) that day. I called Peter and panic-power-walked through freezing rain to the nearby hospital.
After that very tumultuous and scary day, things sort of...got quiet. We waited as test results trickled back bit by bit. The first test came back normal. Then the next one. Slowly, we allowed ourselves to breathe and I started to get excited about the baby again. Our 16 week scan appeared normal, apart from the nuchal thickness that had been diagnosed at 13 weeks. The doctor told me our risk was similar to other pregnancies. I told friends and coworkers we were expecting, as my belly was showing.
March: the day before I turned 20 weeks, Peter and I walked into my anatomy scan excited to take a peek at our baby again. The same tech was there, and after just a few minutes mumbled something about confirming she was getting the right measurements. I didn't pick up on the weirdness of that, but I probably should have. Minutes later, an MFM doctor came in, this time in person, and essentially told us the most crushing news I've ever received: our baby had severe fetal hydrops, it could affect my health if we continued the pregnancy, and even if we waited to deliver, our baby would probably not survive. They recommended terminating the pregnancy.
I won't go into the details of this here, but it was easily the most devastating experience of my life. I was just beginning to feel my baby kicking, and E had started giving my belly kisses just a day or two before. I wanted a miracle so, so badly- but I am also a realist, and I knew enough about fetal hydrops to know it was not going to get better. I actually had a case as a resident in the NICU- and I didn't want our little one to go through what I had witnessed. Thankfully, I live in a state where abortion has not been criminalized. In early April, at 21 weeks, I had surgery to terminate the pregnancy.
May: The rest of April was a blur of crying in the shower, trying to keep up with the absolute minimum at my job and at school, and a bout of Covid-19 at the worst possible timing (we spent our third Easter home alone, thank you Covid.)
On May 2nd, after a lot of legal and financial nightmares, we closed on our home. A home that hasn't been updated in nearly fifty years, and that we have never once set foot in. But it's ours. We didn't have a chance to celebrate since I had to prepare for my thesis presentation and the dive into a month of working nearly every weekend, but we are incredibly thankful for the chance to raise our daughter in the town I grew up in, with the same lovely neighbors who I visited and house-sat for growing up, just across the street from her grandparents.
I don't have the space yet to talk more about the loss we experienced last month. It still feels very raw. The leak from the US supreme court didn't help either- hearing that news felt like a punch in the gut, and it makes me sick to think that women and birthing persons, especially those who are from historically excluded groups, may no longer have access to safe abortions in so many parts of this country. I am thankful that I was able to choose what happened to my child and my body. I am scared and angry about what may happen in the coming months. I am happy to be done with graduate school and cutting back my work hours in a month. In short, I am feeling a lot of different feelings.
If you read this far, thank you so much for being here. Truly. I imagine this space will soon go through a shift yet again, and I appreciate you sticking around to see where it ends up. If you're going through something similar, feel free to reach out. I don't wish this experience on anyone. Below are two online resources that you may find helpful if you are going through pregnancy loss. Wishing you the best. xx.
Time to Talk TFMR- a great podcast that gave me so much comfort in the last month as I went through this.
Online yoga course for pregnancy loss- I haven't had time to start this course, but it came highly recommended by my OB.
It also goes without saying, if you're angry and scared like me, you can donate to non-profits that help women with limited resources or access to safe abortions- I chose to support Indigenous Women Rising, but there are plenty of other options too.
Lastly, because, as always, music stepped in to save the day, here's what I've been listening to the last month.
